On Salaries in Baseball

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The following was a satirical essay I wrote last year.

$28 million. With that kind of money, you could buy 605 Chevrolet Corvettes, almost two mansions the size of John W. Henry’s Brookline monstrosity, 14 million bottles of Coca-Cola from over-expensive Boston vending machines, or one year of Alex Rodriguez. Boston slugger Manny Ramirez made $21 million last year, Giants ace Barry Zito is making $18 million a year, future hall-of-famer Roger Clemens made $19 million for half a season (that’s $11,995 a pitch) and Twins pitcher Johan Santana is supposedly looking for a contract in the area of $25 million a year. Why, you ask, are baseball contracts so inflated? Simply because the players are that much better than everyone else.
In fact, they are sadly underpaid. “I guess I’ll have to get a second job.” Said future hall-of-famer Greg Maddux when told that his rivals Pedro Martinez and Randy Johnson would make more than him. These poor men, who dedicate their lives to giving us joy, can only afford one island apiece. We live our lives through them, those dreams of playing childhood games into our late 30’s and (with the help of steroids) 40’s. In baseball the fans praise those who fail 70% of the time and harass those who fail 75% of the time. With such a small margin between failure and success, wouldn’t you need a fleet of private jets to take you to Hawaii on a whim?
For those who complain about unfair wages, I ask you this. Can a police officer throw a 95-mile-an-hour fastball? Can a history teacher hit a ball 400 feet? I don’t think so. In this country we base our salaries on the important things, fielding ground balls, rather than such frivolous wastes of time as saving lives and molding young minds.
Sadly, it wasn’t always this way. In the 1960’s, star Red Sox hurler Bill “Spaceman” Lee complained, “We weren’t playing for money. They gave us Mickey Mouse watches that ran backwards.” Even the highest payed stars of that era made little more than $100,000 a year. You couldn’t even afford a mansion on that salary. How can a player work on becoming as good as they can be, while worrying about paying the mortgage on their second home every month? That’s just insane. Even today some players don’t earn the salaries they deserve. Not just anyone can avoid making an error in the field for 162 straight days. So why does Kevin Youkilis only make $380,000 a year? That’s practically the poverty line.
If you are one of those people who say professional athletes make too much money, don’t forget that baseball is the national pastime of the United States of America. Therefore, it stands to reason that if you don’t agree with me, you are probably a communist and thus should be hastily deported.

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